It seems like you're really trying to go the long way around, here. What you need is an offline updating solution, and there are some options available.
WSUS Offline Update allows you to download Windows Update patches to a USB drive, and install them on another computer that doesn't have an Internet connection. You can download all available updates, and let the remote computer then figure out the ones it doesn't need.
Vulnerability scanners like Nexpose, Nessus, McAfee Vulnerability Manager and GFI LanGuard can be installed on portable platforms (e.g.: laptops). These will evaluate the installed software and configuration of your system over a network connection (you will, of course, have to plug the laptop into the same network as the target system or connect directly via crossover cable) and provide a comprehensive list of missing patches and configuration flaws. This will include not only necessary Windows updates, but also updates for many other programs. Some scanners even include a patch management system, which can be used to automatically push needed updates to the system after a scan - even without actually installing client software on the target.